


This Is How A Heart Breaks

by feverpitchfiasco



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Insecure Jim, M/M, No Porn, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Self Preserving Bones, Some comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-02-06
Packaged: 2018-01-11 08:49:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1171091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feverpitchfiasco/pseuds/feverpitchfiasco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who's there to answer the door when someone knocks and nobody's home?</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is How A Heart Breaks

**Author's Note:**

> Songfic. I think this is the first one I've completed. Started a few though.

“Well, aren’t you gonna say anything?” Leonard stands near the door, hand resting on a packed suitcase.

“What do you want me to say, Bones?” Jim’s eyes are wider than Leonard’s ever seen them. Ice blue and helpless in their defeat.

“I’m walking out the door. It’d be nice to know that that _means_ something to you. Don’t just stand there, damnit! Tell me to stay! Fuck, tell me to go. Just tell me something...” Leonard closes his eyes, exhaling harshly through his nose as he turns away from Jim’s silent trembling and pounding heart. He opens the door slowly and turns back. “Whatever. You know, I really did love you, kid. We could have had something amazing.” 

The door closes not with a bang, but a whimper.

\---

The observation deck gives him a breathtaking view of all the stars and planets and unnamed bodies before him. Jim has never felt more like a tiny speck of cosmic dust. A hand settles on his shoulder, light and warm, as Chekov sits next to him on the bench. 

“I saw... Uh. I saw him heading to his quarters. I apologize if this is too much or if I’m crossing a line here. But I think we’ve gone through enough together to warrant it. I’m here as your friend, Cap-- Jim. Jim. I’m not here as one of your bridge crew. You can say as much or as little as you need to. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone out here.” The kid can’t quit squirming as he speaks, pushing the familiarity of their working relationship. The corner of Jim’s lips twitch upward and he nudges him with a soft shoulder.

“It’s alright. I like to think that you guys are more than just my crew. You’re right, we’ve been through a lot together. All of us. You guys were there for me when I died. I think I can trust you to be here for me when... When... Yeah.” A few deep, even breaths help keep Jim from tearing up. 

“We watched your body die. And he brought it back. Now that your heart is dying, it’s our turn to save you. My grandmother used to tell me that everything serves a purpose. Even if you don’t like that purpose because it hurts or because it wasn’t what you wanted. When people leave, it feels like an ending. Sometimes it is and that’s okay. But sometimes it’s just the start of a new chapter.” Chekov is staring out at the stars, not looking at Jim. There’s no need. It’s just them, empty tables and softened starlight their only audience. 

“As someone who has dealt with a lot of hurt, let me tell you; not everything serves a purpose. There’s a lot of mindless violence and misery out there. I’m the poster boy for that.” A humorless puff of laughter and Jim shifts, tucking a leg under him. 

“That’s the purpose of it, though. Everything that has ever happened to you has resulted in the man sitting next to me. It’s a man we all admire, respect, and love. We love you, Jim. You’re a good man, and you have a good moral compass. But you’re also an inexperienced man. You’ve always reacted to love with ferocity. You love your crew, and you protect us ruthlessly. You would sacrifice everything, stop at nothing, to save us. Because you love us. You DIED for us.” Jim is staring at Chekov with a mixture of shock at his bluntness and fondness for his feelings. For his part, Chekov still hasn’t lost the extremely uncomfortable look that saying all this has painted on his face. Every part of his training is telling him to shut up and call Jim “Captain”. But that’s not what Jim needs right now. 

“And look at where that love has gotten me. I died for you guys, and I’d do it again. It got me killed, and it left me alone. It’s not the advantage everyone makes it out to be.”

“You’ll get there. Everyone does eventually.” A gentle shrug and a shy smile are all the assurance Jim needs that Chekov means what he says. 

“Pretty wise words coming from a kid.” Jim finally smiles, small but genuine, and Chekov chuckles.

“‘Kid’ is exactly it. No one pays attention to me because I’m so young. I’m constantly being underestimated. But that’s okay. It’s easier to observe everything when you’re all but invisible. And besides, I’m your navigator. I may not know where I’m going, but I’m pretty sure I know how to get there. Good night, Jim.” Another smile and a squeeze of the shoulder as he stands, and Jim finds himself alone with the stars again. The sight unsettles him, is too much on top of his emotions right now, so he heads back to his quarters. 

\----

A small part of him expects to find Leonard, his strong and sturdy Bones, waiting for him. He finds his rooms are cold and empty, except for a flashing light on his personal PADD. He picks it up, plays the message Leonard has left for him. He ignores the clench of his heart when he hears that slow southern drawl.

_Jim,_

_I’m sorry things ended the way they did. We both have had a pretty rough go of things in life, and it caused us to build our own walls in our own ways. We tried to let each other in, but I don’t think we ever quite managed it. I followed you out here into the black, Jim, but I don’t think I can stay. I wanted you to hear it from me first that I’ve put in a transfer request. You deserve that much from me, at least._

_I meant what I said earlier. I think we could have had something great. If something changes, anything, then find me. Find me and talk to me, Jim. You know how things broke apart with Jocelyn. I’ve told you that story a few times now. We don’t have to end the same way. I’d have stayed here with you forever, kid, but I can’t do that to myself. Not again. I stayed with her, and look how that broke me. We don’t want to do that to each other, so it’s better if I walk away from this if we can’t talk about it and figure out a solution._

_You know I love you. Part of me always will._

Those parting words are the only sign off he gives, the only sign off Jim needs. He cycles through emotions. Anger at Leonard’s calm, placid heartache. Hope that they still have a chance. Fear that to take that chance, he’ll have to show Leonard all of the parts he hides. All of the rotted, rancid, festering parts of himself that he can’t cut out. He’s spent a lifetime hiding them behind a megawatt grin and a bar brawl fist. 

He takes a deep breath before heading to Leonard’s quarters. He has to do this before he thinks about it too hard, before his spine is vanishes. Not bothering to knock, he punches in the security code and enters uninvited. The stereo is playing, and Jim guesses it’s been playing every sad song Leonard owns. He enters quietly, going unnoticed for a minute. Just watches Leonard at his desk staring down a bottle of bourbon. The empty glass sits next to him and Jim’s brow furrows as he watches the battle. His resolve breaks and he approaches as Leonard shudders and sighs and grabs the bottle. Gentle fingers pry it from his hands and set it on the nearby bookshelf. Jim takes another deep breath but won’t turn around. He doesn’t know which expression Leonard will be wearing when he does, and he’s not in a rush to find out. The silence stretches before them and they both know they’ve come to the crossroads. 

“Jimmy?” A soft, broken voice behind him and he finally turns around. Coming face to face with Leonard’s red-rimmed eyes and sorrow is almost too much for him. 

“Transfer denied. I want to say something.”


End file.
